i once knew ...
I once knew a chap from Dundee
And fractured his spine and his knee.
I once knew a wild lad from Sydney
Who oft dreamed of going to sea.
He hid deep in a ship as a stowaway
Confined in the hold bound for Cathay
But hidden he nothing did see.
I once knew a florist from Tanganyika
Who was a proverbial thrill seeker.
I once knew a guy from Santander
Who wove cornrows into his hair.
He switched to having affairs.
I once knew a barber from Tipperary
Who wanted to meet a real fairy
He travelled the world from bottom to top
From gardens and parks to the tree tops
He now lives in Slough with a guy he calls Mary.
I once knew a young dude from Bahamas
Who worried all day in pajamas.
Last time I heard he’d was calmer.
I once knew a woman from Rome
Who liked to play cards on her own.
And finally feel right at home.
I once knew a guy from Penzance
Who managed to get ants in his pants.
But invented many a new dance.
I once knew a young fellow from Tring
Who desperately wanted to sing
He practiced his scales and his vibrato
His face it changed colour to a shade of tomato
Now he's a fishmonger in downtown Beijing.
I once knew a barber from Thrace
Who had wrinkles all over his face.
He tried many creams and even a facelift
But ‘twas all for nought, for they did not shift
Last time I heard he disappeared with no trace.
I once knew a cop from Trincomalee
Who used to cross dress to feel free.
He turned up to his shift in panties and hose
Rings on his fingers, ears and his nose
He changed from a Frank to a Sarah-Lee
I once knew a gangsta from Prague
Who killed his best friend on a barge.
He chopped off his toes, his arms and his head
For ratting him out to the Cops and the Feds
He’s now on the run and still at large.
I once knew a farmer from Sark
Who thought it a bit of a lark
To turn up to work wearing white spats
A monocle, braces and a cravat
The last time I saw him he lived in Denmark.
Who treated a patient with glue
Now they’re living in deepest Peru.
I once knew a young lass from Bengal
Whose dancing would people enthral.
She’d wiggle her hips and shake her maracas
In just such a way to drive the men crackers
She married, had kids, doesn’t dance any more.
I once knew a student from Bath
Who had the most frightening laugh.
And here is the thing, after imbibing
She sounded maniacal, ‘twas hardly surprising
Since then she’s been sectioned as sociopath.
I once knew an actor from Devon
Had vodka with brunch and gin with his tea
Spent rest of the day just watching TV
No surprise, I suppose, he’s performing in heaven
I once knew a guy from Puget Sound
Rowing was the sport which he found.
He fell out of the boat and got drowned.
I once knew a teacher from Brighton
Who struggled when switching the lights on.
His mental agility was never in doubt
He could recall dates and sonnets would spout,
But in practical ways he was certainly no Titan.
Who climbed mountains wearing nothing at all.
One day on a peak he started to shiver
Began on his nose ended up in his liver
He was discovered by climbers wrapped in a shawl.
I once knew a translator from Tarbes
Who fancied himself quite a bard.
He plied words and conjunctions
He’s now works on the beach as a lifeguard.
I once knew a cyclist from Brum
Who managed to blister his bum.
I once knew a Priest from St John's Wood
Whose sermons were really not good.
He stole from the poor to feather his nest
But persuaded his Bishop he was one of the best
Last time I saw him he was boss of the 'hood.
I once knew a lawyer from Maastricht
In the courts he was cunning and strict.
He'd lie to the jury and tell fibs to the judge
In order to get opinions to budge
He was not a nice chap and that is my verdict.
I once knew a Mayor from Strathclyde
Who found it quite hard to decide
He became a dance teacher in Ryde.
I once knew a driver from Stoke
Who didn't get on well with folk.
At thirty he died from a stroke.
I once knew a young girl from Belize
Who had the most awful disease.
She had hair on her fingers and on her palms
Which spread to her elbows and on up her arms
Last time I heard it had moved to her knees.
I once knew a pilot from Bruges
Who made it into the news.
When her plane she had landed
She left passengers stranded
I believe, to go on a cruise.
I once knew a Dowager from Seville
Who was dowdy and staid and quite ill
Till she snorted cocaine
Which went straight to her brain
She now dances a pole in Brazil.
I once knew a trapezist from Vancouver
Who practiced her trade with a hoover.
She'd swing from above like a real pro
And always cleaned up after her show
She was really one hell of a mover.
I once knew a copper from Bicester
Who planned to visit his sister.
He arrived at her house at quarter to ten
Fell asleep in his car and then
Turned around and went home 'cos he had missed her.
I once knew a cowboy from Albequerque
Who went to bed at eight thirty.
He got up at dawn and rode all day long
Humming old tunes and singing new songs
Last thing I knew he'd moved to Cape Verde.
I once knew a sailor from Broadstairs
Who had quite incredible ears
When anyone spoke, within fifty eight feet,
Whatever they'd said he could easily repeat
If you bought him a gin and a couple of beers.
I once knew a piper from Troon
Who was really a bit of a loon.
As he started to play he'd lift up his kilt
Exposing his bits with no sense of guilt
But this never stopped him playing great tunes.
I once knew a clerk from Zeebrugge
Who was an old friend of my brother
Words' meanings he'd change
And their order re-arrange
He was really a bit of a bugger.
I once knew a monk from Devizes
Who was always full of suprises
At vespers one morn
He walked in reading porn
Wearing a hat and striped trousers.
I once knew a trader from Norwich
Who swore to the power of cold porridge
Eating two bowls a day
Every trade, he would say,
Would make him much more rich.
I once knew a wrestler from Sofia
Whose dream was to move to Korea.
He practiced the language and mastered the tongue
But by a wild bee on his bum he was stung
Which ended his days in a morgue in Crimea.
I once knew a diver from Queensland
Who was blond, good looking and tanned
He went down on a dive
But he didn't survive
When a shark bit off both his hands.